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tv   White House Correspondents Dinner  CSPAN  May 4, 2014 6:30pm-8:01pm EDT

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that because we do not know. the bill on its own would pass but nothing in congress is simple and easy. if the keystone issue gets in the way, it could go down. >> matthew daly of the "associated press," niels lesniewski, gentlemen, thank you for joining us. [captions copyright national cable satellite corp. 2014] [captioning performed by national captioning institute] book, an's newest collection of interviews. war, the beginning of the you are afraid of holding the gun. when we went to the first battle and we fought and i shot somebody, kill somebody, it does something to you. difficult in the beginning. after time went on, it became easy. it became normal.
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in the context of war, this is what happens. you normalize the situation so you can live through it. if you don't, you die. >> one of a 41 unique voices from 25 years of our footnotes and conversations. "sundays at eight." now available at your favorite bookseller. off andthe women went became these incredible successes, not only would they be the first women stockholders in the world -- to own a brokerage firm, not to be repeated for 100 years -- they had a radical newspaper. they became lecturers. they spoke to 6000 people. they were celebrities. they had headlines with just their names. they were really very famous based on their beginnings with vanderbilt. and the family just kept threatening them with blackmail. we're going to expose you.
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the mother started this ridiculous court trial. victoria's then-hsband -- then-husband wanted to put her in an insane asylum or kill her. the sisters had been trying very hard for two years to hide all that, and they were inventing and reinventing themselves. they were not the least bit educated. they said they were. what help them move on forward, they were willing to wreck their whole life just to get back in the fold. they had some really rotten characters in the family, which i address. >> two little remembered victorian sisters change the course of women's writes in american history. tonight at 8:00 on c-span's
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"q&a." >> on the next "washington look at the upcoming midterm elections. our guest is nathan gonzales. on taxonversation credits that benefit large corporations. we will talk to david kautter. your facebook comments and tweets, every day on c-span at 7:00 a.m. eastern. the head of the u.s. air force pacific command, general hawk carlyle, speaks tomorrow at the center for strategic and international studies about u.s. military strategy in the asia-pacific region. see his remarks live on c-span at 11:15 a.m. eastern. in the afternoon, a discussion on russell -- russia's intervention in ukraine, u.s. response, and role of nato.
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you can see it at 1:30 eastern on monday afternoon here on c-span. >> for over 35 years, c-span brings public affairs events from washington directly to you. putting you in the room at congressional hearings, white house events, briefings, and conferences. offering complete, gavel to gavel coverage of the u.s. house, all as a public service of private industry. c-span, created by the cable tv industry 35 years ago and brought to you as a public service by your local cable or satellite provider. watch as in hd, like us on facebook, and follow us on twitter. >> the white house correspondents association held its annual dinner last night. president obama and comedian joel mchale spoke to the gathering. first, we will hear from the reporter who has the white house correspondents association.
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[applause] >> thank you. now, i want to talk for just a minute about the video we are going to show. over the years we have had a lot of very funny videos at this dinner. they have all been a lot of fun. because it was our centennial, i made a different choice. abouted to have a video us, the white house correspondents. unfortunately, i had a grand vision to do a lot and i found out it would be more expensive than i had hoped, and it would take a lot of money out of our scholarship fund. we did not want to do that. woman from the a&e network, eager to talk to us about our scholarships. we met with her.
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i found her very interesting. at the end of the night i said, you own the history channel. i asked them if they would do a video about our correspondents association, the history of the presidency and the press, and they were very kind to do it. i'd like to show you that video. [applause] ♪ said, as jefferson once government without a tough and vibrant media of all sorts is not an option for the u.s. they are the watchdogs, the historians, the daily observers of the white house. an unofficial assembly of journalists assigned to watch with clear eyes and breaking news. they are the white house correspondents association. do you have an extra camera in case the lights go out? the founding fathers wrote
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this job into the constitution. freedom of press is in there for a reason. >> i have been having a wonderful time. both houses of congress have been having a wonderful time. >> during during principal remains that we exist to keep the eyes of a free press on the government and the president. >> sometimes you don't like the decisions i make. >> our role is very much on the ground. i view the association as the shop steward for correspondence. >> we deal with a lot of logistics. we are the ones working on who has a seat in the briefing room, who is in the press pool at the oval office, in the motorcade, on the plane. >> one of the great things about our job is being there when history is being made. the evolution of the presidency has gone hand-in-hand with the evolution of the white house press association and the
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relationship of the press to all attacks are at the white house correspondents perform a vital service in letting folks know what the white house is all about. i'm not taking any more questions. >> iowa's try to put myself in their position. to have a difficult job to do .nd they need a new story president, theew relationship is changing. there is an unchanging quest for the correspondents association. >> access. >> we have to continue to press for those doors and windows to remain open so you can see the account of history from an unbiased view. >> we are not from this period, where there is a big contest between people who believe in the free exchange of ideas and
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freedom of press and the freedom to argue back. her andt go back to more polarized world where somebody puts the hammer down -- a more polarized world where somebody puts the hammer down. >> people have to be informed during -- niforinformed. >> there will always be government that tries to be a little bit more insulated. it's important to push back on that. >> the correspondents association is a good form for reminding all reporters that they also work for the public. they also have a responsibility to the american people. >> press is an institutional part of the white house, and it should always be an institutional part. >> the best moment was when the press conference ended. struggles many of the inside the beltway, this one started as a turf battle in 1914 on capitol hill.
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>> all the press conferences in those days were dominated by the violence in mexico, mexican revolution. there was no controls on who attended those press conferences. congress tried to move in on the white house. the ones toed to be help woodrow wilson start having regular press conferences. >> a select group of journalists was formed. >> looking back 100 years and seeing the pictures, it's amazing how things have evolved. the organization was started by a group of white men. not women, not minorities. >> freckle roosevelt was the first president to allow a black white house correspondent into the presidential press conference. >> journalist terry mcalpine broke down the barriers of inequality, becoming the first african-american white house
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correspondent. honor that the correspondents association has established the harry mess -- harry mcalphine scholarship. >> we always had women members. the general attitude was that this was a stag affair. >> women journalists were not part of the boys club. >> it was not until three women reporters, including helen thomas, went to john f. kennedy and said, you we would like you to help us get to this dinner. said, tell them i'm not attending the dinner next year unless women are invited. all of a sudden it changed. >> how did it change? >> we do nothing but body jokes now. >> three hillary's? that sounds like clinton's worst nightmare. >> while 99% of the
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correspondents job is working the beat, there is one night a year when serious washington can make fun of itself. the white house correspondents dinner. >> we started the dinner in the 20's. it was not televised and did not have celebrities. we would have animal acts or jugglers. >> there would be somebody doing, i wish i were there, animal impressions. i was toying with the idea of having a juggler. >> what is the key to navigating the icy and sometimes treacherous waters of washington humor? >> winging it. improvise a lot. just see what happens. >> there is three models. people who do the politics and get it right trade that is rare. >> is there anyone i'm excited to roast tonight? >> ibo go into politics and get it wrong. -- people go into politics and get it wrong.
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>than there are people who just avoid politics like the plague. >> m i a political guy? yes. that's why i work with the e network. >> you're supposed to keep it clean and self-deprecating. >> in 1945, you had frank sinatra. this year, it's me. >> did you know that the president will be there? >> yes. >> of the united states. >> he's opening for you. >> is the place where a president can bring down the house, getting as good as he gets. >> known as the prom of washington, d.c. presidents think, this is a chance to make fun of the press. that's not what you do.
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you going make fun of yourself. you have got to show them you can take it. easy to do standup comedy at one of these dinners. >> jay leno is here. totogether, we give hope gray-haired, chunky baby boomers everywhere. >> we want people to be teased. washington can use a little teasing. >> they'll make fun of the press. they cannot take it. they don't want to hear it. laughter aside, the first and foremost mission of the correspondents association dinner is to promote journalism, education through the scholarship fund. >> your attendance tonight allows us to give back to these students. we appreciate it. ands this dinner has grown grown over the years, it has generated more revenue for this very important scholarship. >> the main reason we are there is for the scholarships and to
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help these young people. they are all remarkable, talented folks full of energy, and the kind of people you want to see going into journalism. >> having something like this scholarship give some hope to say, there is something i can go to. tremendousuch a honor. i'm really thankful to them for the scholarship and that experience. >> there is still a future in journalism. there will still be a need for people to cover the white house and government. >> i hope it will be around for another 100 years. twitter or thes typewriter, the correspondents association continues to blueprints message. -- deliver its message. sending off the news in an ever changing media landscape. >> year in and year out, we have dealt with a lot of changes. we have seen the start of radio, the advent of television.
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we have seen the internet as a tool. a the white house had telephone system that had been there since president carter. >> social media has exploded in the last four or five years. >> one thing i often like to say is that speed kills. we are racing faster and faster to get raw information in front of the public. reporters are under such stress and pressure from their editors to get it first. reporters cannot be as thorough as they used to be. >> from the point of view of the reader, the main thing is, is it accurate? >> we are dealing with multiple time zones. everything is in real time. the question we ask ask is still the same. >> it's important there is a hodgepodge of voices. it is not just all about that one story. storiesut various around the world and in this nation.
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that brings together this one group. from now,100 years when we are celebrating the next anniversary of our association, we will still have a room at the white house with people asking the president or his staff questions every day. the dissemination of the news will change. the media will change. i think the journalism will not change. >> this is a great window on the world. >> our democracy does not work unless we have a strong state. if you don't have that interaction, you don't have a true democracy. [applause] >> i want to take an extra second on that and think macy, -- thank nancy. crews worked on this for
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months, at no cost out of our scholarship fund. it was a great service to our association. sawyer,o thank diane who agreed to do the voiceover for us. [applause] politico and " life," who lent us some of their photos. i want to thank our colleagues who participated, all of the press secretaries who agreed to be interviewed, and particularly president obama and clinton, who agreed to be interviewed for that. thank you very much. [applause] i want to talk for a minute about the state of play. i want to thank my family, my wife denies -- denise, and my sons, for all their support. i want to thank the mcclatchy
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company. i want to thank our ceo. our washington bureau. it allows us to keep doing work that needs to be done. i want to thank my colleagues, particularly leslie clark, barbara barrett and david goldstein. they covered it while i turned this job into a full-time job. they have done all the briefings and travel i have not been able to do. i want to thank this board. our board is a terrific group of people. the vast majority of the work you never see. the most recent example was the president's trip to asia. negotiation on getting a thing into a certain country. some of us here were working around the clock. they really keep the wheels going around so we can all do our jobs. christi parsons. she is our vice president this
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year. [applause] christie does more work in keeping the pool moving. the pool is the group that keeps closest and keeps their eyes on the president. she does a wonderful job. she will be our president next year and we are in very good hands. [applause] i want to thank george lehner. you do not hear his name a lot. he's our attorney. pro bono. [applause] he's a terrific first amendment attorney. he has been the liaison between us and the rest of the and some ofommunity the work we have done on access that will continue on, he has worked with journalism schools. the dean is with us tonight. george has done a terrific job. [applause] i want to thank julie wisdom.
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those of us who have been involved in the association have known julie wisdom for a long time. this dinner is an epic undertaking. we put this on with a paid staff of one. that's her. she does it with the help of friends, her husband who volunteers. we could not have this dinner without julie wisdom. [applause] this year, we have added events and receptions and panels that we normally don't do. to 100d not have made it years without julie wisdom. i want to thank my peers in the white house for this honor. take a minute and introduce some people in the room. i want all the past presidents of the white house correspondents association to please stand and stay standing.
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[applause] off. hold off. stay standing. everyone who has been elected or served on our board, please stand and stay standing. i would like everyone who covers the beat today, goes to the briefings, goes on the trips, sits in the pool van to please stand. hasuld like everyone who ever covered a briefing at the white house and work this beat to please stand. [applause] finally, i would like our scholarship winners, and all the journalism students in the room to please stand. [applause] we welcome all our guests to this dinner. there is a lot of attention paid to the people who come here, and we have well thumbed -- welcomed them all.
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these are the white house correspondents. these are the people whose name is on the dinner. [applause] we referred to it a little bit in the video. we are going through a major and significant change in the media. they were all white men. white presidents, two. correspondence is half man, half women. our board is half women. we have faces of color. we have new media all over the room. yahoo! is on our board. this year for the first time, we added to the press pool a gay newspaper. we have new voices for the first time ever. we have a foreign reporter joining us on air force one on our trip. in our briefing room, if you
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listen, you will hear foreign accents asking questions of our government. you will hear a russian accent. you will hear other accents. good thing.ry this is america at its best. sometimes very differing views of what this free press can do. there is a noble view. the president referred to thomas jefferson in our video. sometimes the view of the people on the receiving end of it -- i found a quote from -- grace kelly said, quote, the freedom of press works in such a way there's not really much freedom from the press. that's true. that's the core of the tension we have on our beat between the present government. we try to keep as many eyes as possible on them. they don't always want us in the room. this has never been truer than today. a changing media gives us more tools, but also allows the government to set its own image, send its own videos directly to people in ways that we find
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challenging. it is something that predecessors to the president would have envied. that's all fine. we like the white house staff and photographers and video. we just want to be in the room too. we can take the competition. when we are all paying attention to the government and asking questions, we are all the better for it and it's a bragging point for democracy. minute andurn for a talk about harry mcalpine. it was 70 years ago that he walked into the oval office. he was the first black reporter to attend and cover a presidential press conference. i'm glad to see you, and very happy to have you here. not everyone was so happy. this association was not happy that he walked into the oval office. tohad denied membership blacks. we had rigged our rules to make sure they could not participate
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in covering the white house or president. fdr did that on his own. tonight we are announcing an creating a new scholarship, the harry s mcalpine scholarship. [applause] by dedicating one of our scholarships to him, we not only recognize his historic role and one we hope will inspire young journalists, we acknowledge our own history. harry went on after his white house years. his son said the white house era was just part of his study. he was a war correspondent in the south pacific, at a time the military was still segregated. he went to law school, led the naacp in kentucky. in 1985, never having been granted membership in this association. today, we posthumously grant him membership. [applause]
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direct yourant to attention to the middle of the room, table 104. i want to introduce it to sherman mcalpine. would you please stand? [applause] he held martin luther king's hand in 1964. his wife, with joanne. would you please stand? and their daughter, sasha. please make them feel welcome. [applause] thank you. now i'd like to move on, and we will present that and the other scholarships. to do that, april ryan will be , and be joined by the first lady, michelle obama. [applause]
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good evening, everyone. for theonderful evening centennial scholarship award. [applause] [laughter] this lady has jokes. that's all right. we would like to bring forward our scholarship centennial awardees. we would like to start with the harry mcalpine junior scholarship. [applause] it is a one-time award of $7,000. this year's winner is a student from howard university and washington, d.c. [applause]
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[laughter] once again, glenn hill of philadelphia, pennsylvania and howard university. [applause] now it's time for the white house correspondents association scholarship, a one-time award of $7,000. this year's recipients are two students from howard university and washington, d.c. [applause]
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>> the recipient of this year's .re two current students carolyn from north andover, massachusetts. [applause] karen from evanston, the one way.
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next, from columbia university, new york, new york, the white associationpondents with a $5,000 grant to deena columbiao from university. [applause] all sue the university of sevenri supporting $2500 pertudents for student to study as part of a university of missouri's well-established program. from nice, france.
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anna from spokane. sarah hawkins from oklahoma city. vi from hong kong. min pham vietnam. and lastly, from china. a student is supported with a $5,000 gift towards a postgraduate degree with the public affairs reporting track going to brianna from hayward,
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california. the white house correspondents association picks a student from the university of california at berkeley for a gift towards a postgraduate degree for a student in government and public affairs reporting track. i'm sorry if i'm messing your name up. the university of california at berkeley. next, the university of maryland college of journalism college thomas.mone [applause]
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and those are the awardees for this evening. let's give them a big round of applause. [applause] those are the centennial awardees for this evening. have a great evening. laugh hard and a lot. thank you, april. thank you, mrs. obama. if you have a glass near, i would like you to raise a glass with me. i would like to propose a toast to the president of the united states of america. to a long life. me, i would like to
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introduce the president of the united states and introducing the vice president of the united states. [laughter] [phone rings] >> hello? >> what are you doing? >> god. i thought you were the president. listen, are you going to this correspondents dinner tonight? politiciansnch of trying to explain politics to explain politics the hollywood. it's not worth it. david wants to see gregory crying in the corner all night. do you want to come and pick me up? [honk] ♪ yellow? seriously? yellow? >> get in the car.
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>> locked. >> anybody looking? just check. remembering to that. >> whoa. don't touch the desk. >> okay. >> let's get out of here and get something to eat. my granddaughter is likel the sprinkles >. >> what are you doing? what's in your mouth? >> carrots? >> haven't you listened to anything i said about healthy eating? hand it over. handed over.
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you guys, let's move. >> busted. >> you can say that again. >> this looks good. mm. >> i just forgot my purse so -- >> i'm sure there are reasons and here. it's a fruit. give you atan they the correspondents dinner. plus i work out every day. >> sure you do. >> do you want to arm wrestle? >> i don't really work out. where are we heading next? >> the real seat of power. aslina myers, sworn in
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president, all in good time. we can all look into the camera, kevin. the point is you're not supposed to. >> oh, hey. >> what are you doing here? >> getting my tattoo done. you know the difference between the tattoo and the koch bro thers? canabove painful but you get rid of a tattoo. >> ah. let's do it. >> i'm in. ♪ bring it on.
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>> oh, yeah. [phone rings] >> hey, girl. >> hey, j dog. are you going to this dinner thing tonight? >> hellno, we have important ths going on in the capital. >> right. thanks. >> i'm going to need to go to the dinner. i'm not really the v.p. you are. i'm an actress from hollywood. >> i know. >> secret service doesn't let me drive off the property. get a cab. >> that make sense. >> thanks a million, joe. ♪ i be who i be i live how i live because i see
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what i see ♪ i am who i am cuz i know cuz i know it's all me i do what i do cuz i know cuz i know ♪ [applause] >> ladies and gentlemen, the president of the united states. thank you. [applause] thank you so much. thank you very much. thank you so much. have a seat. before i get started, can we get
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a new presidential set up out here? ♪ >> it's worked before. [laughter] that's more like it. it's great to be back. what a year. i usually start with a few self-deprecating jokes. after a stellar 20, what could i possibly talk about? [laughter] i admit it. last year was rough. sheesh. [laughter] badne point, things got so that the 47% called mr. romney to apologize. [laughter]
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of course, we rolled out that could've gone better. [laughter] in 2008, my slogan was, yes, we can. alt013, it was control delete. [laughter] nothe plus side, they did turn the launch of into one of the biggest movies. rather than dwell on the past, i would like to pivot to this dinner. let's welcome our headliner this evening, joel mchale. [applause] "community," he plays a
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preening, self obsessed narcissist so this must be a real change of pace for you. [laughter] the white house correspondents association for hosting us tonight. i am happy to be here even though i am a little jet lagged from my trip to malaysia. the links we have to go to to cnn coverage these days. have to goths we to. [applause] i think they are still searching for their table. msnbc is here. they are a little overwhelmed. they've never seen a naughty and specific before. [laughter] -- an audience this big before.
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[laughter] everyone is trying to keep up with this incredibly fast changing media landscape. for example, i got a lot of grief for promoting obamacare the young people on "between two ferns." tot's what young people like watch. not first person on television between two potted plants. [laughter] [applause] [laughter] sometimes i do feel disrespected, but that's ok. seattle seahawks cornerback richard sherman is here tonight and he gave me some great tips on how to handle it.
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don't you ever talk about me like that. i'm the best president in the game. was that good? a little more feeling next time yo? [laughter] while we are talking sports, last month, a wonderful story, an american won the boston marathon for the first time in 30 years. [applause] which was inspiring and only fair since a kenyan has been president for the last six. [applause] we had to even things out. [laughter] we have some other athletes here tonight including olympic
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snowboarding medalist jamie anderson. we are proud of her. an incredibly talented young lady. we cannot believe that these folks do. death-defying feats. have not seen anybody pull a 180 that fast since rand paul disinvited a rancher from this dinner. [laughter] as a general rule, things don't when the sentence starts, "let me tell you something i know about the negro." you don't really need to hear the rest of it. [laughter] [applause] just a tip for you. don't start your sentence that way.
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speaking of rand paul -- colorado legalized marijuana this year. an interesting social experiment. to ahope it does not lead lot of paranoid people who think the federal government is out to get them i'm listening to their phone calls. that would be a problem. [laughter] speaking of conservative heroes, the koch brothers bought a table here tonight but they used it as a front. hello, fox news. [applause] i'm just kidding. fox, you will miss me when i'm gone. [applause]
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it will be harder to convince the american people hillary was born in kenya. [laughter] [applause] a lot of us really are concerned about the way that big money is influencing our politics. i remember when a super pac was me buying marble row 100 instead of regular. -- marlboro 100's. now that it's 2014, washington is obsessed on the midterms. people by saying with my sagging poll numbers, my fellow democrats don't really want me campaigning with them. i don't think that's true although i did notice the other speaker sasha needed a at career day and she invited bill clinton. [laughter]
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i was a little hurt by that. both sides are doing whatever it takes to win. this is a true story. republicans actually brought in a group of consultants to teach the candidates how to speak to women. this is true. it'll work with the women, but i understand that america's teenage boys are signing up to run for the senate in droves. [laughter] anyway. while you focus on that horse race, i will be focused on everyday americans. just yesterday i read a heartbreaking letter. i get letters from folks around the country every day. this went got me to a virginia man was stuck in the same part-time job for years. there was no chance to get
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ahead. i really wish eric cantor would stop writing me. [laughter] just pick up the phone, eric. i am feeling sorry, believe and not, for the speaker of the house. the house republicans give john boehner a harder time than they give me. that means orange really is the new black. [laughter] [applause] i have not given up the idea of working with congress.
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i have not given up on the idea i have to say the signing ceremony was something special. [laughter] i know. washington seems more dysfunctional than ever. greg locke is gotten so bad in this town what did we do to pass -- pisst chris d so bad off chris christie so bad? i am beginning to think they have a point.
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if you don't want to get paid for working, you should run for congress like everybody else. [laughter] [applause] there is one thing that keeps republicans busy. they have tried more than 50 times to reveal a bomber care. , more than 7 million people have signed up. [applause] how well does obamacare have to work before you don't want to repeal it? what if your yearly checkup came with tickets to a clipper's game. not the donald sterling clippers, the opera clippers.
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what is it going to take? anyway, this year i have promised to use more executive actions to get things done without congress. it is called the imperial presidency. i have to show up every day at my office and do my job. we have a picture of this? [laughter] [applause] you would think they would appreciate a more assertive especially considering that the new conservative putin. is vladimir i know it sounds crazy. they'll give those to just about
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anybody these days. it could happen. [laughter] [applause] rudy giuliani said putin is what you would call a leader. [laughter] [applause] look it up. they talk about it a lot. [laughter] that itrange to think have two and a half years left in this office. there are reminders that i only hold this job temporary. [laughter] nows a long time between and 2016. you may have heard the other day that hillary clinton ducked
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issue at a press conference. [laughter] i love that picture. regardless of what happens, i am on my last campaign. i'm beginning to think about my legacy. a high you know that school is being named after me in chicago. rick. -- rick perry is doing the same thing in texas. take a look. [laughter] it means a lot to me. i intend to enjoy all the free time that i will have. painting.bush took up
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it inspired me to take up own artistic side. i am sure we have a shot of this. maybe not. the joke does not work without the slide. [laughter] oh well. assume that it was funny. [laughter] joel?his happen to you , tonightous note reminds us that we are lucky to live in a country where reporters can give a head of state a hard time. then give him the chance to return the favor. we also know that not every journalist is so fortunate. tonight,e celebrate our thoughts are with those in
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places like ukraine and afghanistan. everything, risk their lives to report the news. and fair for full access goes beyond the chance to ask a question. african-american might be barred from journalism school. effort, black editors and publishers began meeting. they met with the president himself. one made history, he was not always welcomed by the other reporters, but he was welcomed by the president.
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i'm very happy to have you here. he made history. we are so proud of him and his family. [applause] for over 100 years, even as the white house correspondents association tells the story of progress, you have limited two. yes, radio television and internet reporters as well. sure that our fundamental commitment to between the action -- interaction between those who govern it sustained.
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because this is the 100th recordedry, i actually an additional brief video thanking you for all your hard work. congratulations. >> what is going on? i was told this would work. this anybody know how to fix this? thank you. [laughter] do you have it? >> i got this. there. >> here is to 100 more years. >> thank you very much,
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everybody.. bless you. [applause] [laughter] [laughter] [applause] >> ladies and gentlemen, now that you've had the warm-up, joel mchale. [laughter] [applause] >> here we go. i am the last person standing between you and your after party. in just one hour and 15 minutes you will be walking out of here, all right? i'm going to break the record. strap in. good evening, mr. president. as
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paul ryan refers you, just another intercity my warty relying on the government to feed and house your family. [laughter] i am a big friend of president obama. i think he is one of the all-time great presidents, definitely in the top 50. [laughter] please explain that to jessica simpson. you are right, that was low. [applause] is -- it is amazing that you can bring it with fresh material. yours is whent of you said you would close the detention facility at guantánamo bay. that was hilarious. still going. [laughter] i would like to take a moment to recognize the first lady.
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you are very kind to me and my family, especially when you showed us how to tear a phone book in half with your hands. [laughter] to thank thelike white house correspondents association for having me and not being able to book jimmy fallon. that is true. [laughter] it it has been a long night. i promise that tonight will be both amusing and over quickly like chris christie's presidential bid. risky. -- governor christie. [laughter] i deserve that. i agree on that one. allow me to tell you a little bit about myself. my name is joel mchale. i am on a show called "community." [laughter] that is exactly what i thought.
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i also host a show called "the soup." attendance, e in e is a channel that you're deeply closeted gay son wants to watch. eat - e is also home to the cardassians. they are trying to screw black people. [laughter] now just the man. [laughter] it is an honor to be here tonight. i am tingling with excitement. maybe that is just a bedbug. [laughter] i hope you all enjoyed your dinner. the freshly fred
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dragged off the ranch. stakes are very tasty once you pull off the tiny white hoods. [laughter] let the record show. my show is being broadcast on c-span. c-span is like one of those paranormal activity movies. it is grainy shots of empty rooms interrupted by shots of people that you pretty sure died a few years ago. [laughter] stay tuned, after the correspondents dinner, for in new c-span show, "so you think you can remain conscious." the 100th year of the white house correspondents association. [applause] the cnn was only searching for the right brothers plane. [laughter]
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the correspondents dinner itself is a tradition dating back to 1920. back then, this event was only for men. there is a plaque in the lobby commemorating this as the location of the very first total sausage fest. [laughter] #total sausagefest. [laughter] 19e you'll find all nationalities contained within arianna huffington's accent. [laughter] it is a general and thrilled to be here in washington dc. city that started the whole crack smoking mayor craze. [laughter] you guys were the first. i hope he is not here tonight. mayor say that toronto
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rob ford is a mess. he can't help it. he's like a bull and a crack pipe shop. canadat want to tell "relax, we already have a florida." [laughter] ted cruz propose a government shutdown. everyone else and congress decided to go along with this to get some time away from ted cruz. the key party is anti-socialism and anti-immigration. it makes sense that their hero is a cuban from canada. that one was poignant. in kiev president is tonight. he thought this event was being held at the dulles airport applebee's. to a construction
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cone that he thinks is john boehner. [laughter] also true. [laughter] it is crazy to think that joe biden is only one heartbeat away from someone -- no one taking him seriously as president. [laughter] biden will likely be running for president in 2016. there is no obvious reason not to." [laughter] it is there, isn't it? i'm going to finish that thing. just bring me my hoagie. no, not that one. the fancy one. here late clinton has a lot going for her. she is a natural leader. as our first female president,
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we could pay her 30% less. [laughter] that is a savings this country could use. who is with me? chelsea --oddle daughter chelsea is pregnant. we will have a sequel to "bad grandpa." question,ises the when a baby is born you give bill clinton a cigar? [laughter] you guys sound like you're on a roller coaster right now. they are all vowing to see who will win over the gop base. jeb bush says he is speaking about running. another bush might be in the white house. for our everytime
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10 years surprise party for iraq? [laughter] as it stands right now, the republican presidential nominee will either be jeb bush, rand bag of flour with ronald reagan's face drawn on it. [laughter] asking, will donald trump run again? that thing ondoes his head in the woods. p in the woods. speaking of digestive systems, chris christie is here. eerie,ctually here tonight. -- forr, are a glutton
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punishment. they blocked the world george washington bridge. finally, a politician willing to stand up to america's commuter. jokes or sizeidge jokes? i know you like a combo platter. i get that. i am sorry for that joke. i did know -- did not know i was going to tell it. forke full responsibility it. whoever wrote it will be fired. i will be a man and own up to it. i will get to the bottom of how it happened. i was not aware it happened until just now. i am appointing a blue-ribbon commission of me to investigate the joke that i just told. i assure you i will be dealt with. i just looked into it.
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it turns out i am not responsible for it. justice has been served. [laughter] [applause] he is going to kill me. [laughter] , you are not stranger to criticism eerie that nugent called you a subhuman mongrel. it is comments like that that makes us question whether we can wang dangy who wrote " sweet? seriously anymore. mcconnell said his number one priority was to get the president out of office. congratulations on being just two years away from realizing your goal. [laughter] mr. president, your harshest
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critics have compared you to joseph stalin, adolf hitler, -- those comparisons are outrageous. you look way older than those guys. just because morgan freeman has played the president does not mean you have to act exactly like him. house dr. the white :hecks the white -- presidents for polyps and george clooney's head. [laughter] it is good to see that white house press secretary, jay carney, is here. big night for j. i have not seen you this nervous since the president told him just go out there and tell them
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the website is broken. [laughter] that actually probably was a moment. [laughter] mr. president, you have to admit that you already have the launch of a disaster. it was bad. i don't have an analogy. they say stuff like "i should not have eaten at sushi." that latest johnny depp movie really health at the box office. thanks to obamacare, or is the president refers to it as me care, and millions of newly canred young americans
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visit the doctor's office and see what a print magazine actually looks like. [laughter] [applause] now, over 8 million people have signed up for obamacare. until yous impressive realize that -- there is a lot going on in the world right now. there is a madman who has had plastic surgery annexing small countries in eastern europe. what the hell is bruce jenner doing in crimea? do they get that show their? making a bigu are mistake with putin. you have to show a guy like that that you are just as crazy as he is. he invades crimea, you invade cancun. russia takes back ukraine, america takes back texas. something to think about.
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[laughter] the new director of the secret service is here tonight. leadership, secret service agents can longer thatrt with prostitutes are too drunk to make it to the program. [laughter] i am sure she loves that. the director of national intelligence, james clapper, is here. put a face to the mysterious voice clearing its throat on the other end of the phone. that was weird. i have been watching a lot of cable news. i am a big fan of that lesbian on ms nbc. yeah, ms nbc is a confusing place. al sharpton is there skinny guy. [laughter]
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cnn is desperately searching for something they have been missing for months -- their dignity. totally. [laughter] this point, cnn is like the radio shack in a strip mall. you don't know how it stayed in business as long. they just fired piers morgan. [laughter] [applause] thank you. ratedws is the highest network and cable news. [applause] it is all thanks to their key , the old people that have tuned into fox news and have not yet been discovered. bill o'reilly is not here. they'll has another book coming out soon.
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he is making his ghost writers work around the clock. this event brings together both washington and hollywood. the relationship between washington and hollywood has been a long and fruitful one. you get tax credits for film and television production. in return, we bring much-needed entertainment to hard-working american cities like vancouver, toronto, and vancouver again. [laughter] bylywood helps america projecting a heroic image to the rest of the world. we have just released another movie about captain america, or ,s he is a known in china captain who owes his $1.1 trillion. [laughter] look around. the cast of "the."
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"veep." the folks from dr. dynasty had a very challenging year. the grandfather on the grandfather on that show made homophobic and racist remarks. docs -- ducks. [laughter] "house of cards" has had great impact on washington. i have not seen a tour de force since.ance like that you can drop character any time. spite thating to spoil the shocker on "house of cards." -- nancy pelosi's face
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almost changed expression. did you like that one, nancy? i would like to congratulate jared letter -- o on his oscar. who asked to be introduced to that hot chick from "dallas buyers club." has already had an impact on tonight's event. ofblocked all three attempts tim tivo to pass the dinner rolls. it he wanted to be here tonight, but could only move four yards at a time. you're right. he is not here to defend himself. legendary actor robert deniro is here tonight. [applause]
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impression, deniro but i do an impression of robert yours agent. he'll do it. [laughter] mr. de niro, i am clearly beyond reproach. i will see you on the set of "spy kids five." this stone him and the founder of twitter, is here. so if you congressmen want to cut out the middleman, just show him your penis. not now. [laughter] those are my warm-up jokes. i am kidding. i want to leave you tonight with a bit of a pep talk. america has seen her share of challenges, but as my agent told me when i booked an abc sitcom,
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"things could be worse." have you watch the news? not cnn, the real news. it is pretty bad in other places. by comparison, america is doing great. this year, after months of debate and controversy, we have achieved something that has impact the health of millions, we brought back wiki's. we are not the fattest country in the world, mexico is. don't worry, we will be the fattest country once everyone comes over here. [laughter] of i havecan sense not been back to the village at so don't tell me you survive the drone strike. [laughter] america still has amazing technological innovations.
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google glasses hit the market. now we will know exactly who to punch in the face. [laughter] in america, we see gluten in peanuts as a threat. and other countries, gluten and peanuts are the names of warlords. is doing just fine. i know that? fourth movie a about trucks that turn into giant robots. why? there is still so much story left to tell. [laughter] jenna, everyone. this country is still number one. pastries, face computers, and robot trucks. as to the economy and environment, we will get the next time. here is why america is the best country in the world. a guy like me can stand for the president, the press, and
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patrick duffy, and tell jokes without severe repercussions. instead of being shipped off to a good log, i am going to the vanity fair after party. this is america where everyone riot. a pusy this is one of the coolest things. thank you mr. president. thank you. viewer.u, c-span [laughter] [applause] [applause] [captions copyright national cable satellite corp. 2014] [captioning performed by national captioning institute]
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>> thank you. now to bring her evening to the close, i would like you to remain for a moment or two while scoredt president is president and mrs. obama from the hall. thank you. [applause] [applause] [inaudible]
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>> with myc-span, "q&a," right macpherson -- with myra macpherson, author of "the scarlet sisters: sex, suffrage, and scandal in the gilded age."
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later, a supreme court oral argument on whether police need a warrant to search the cell phone of someone under arrest. ♪ >> this week on "q&a," author and journalist myra macpherson discusses her new book, "the scarlet sisters: sex, suffrage, and scandal in the gilded age" as well as her career covering politics and culture for the washington post, new york times and other publications. >> myra macpherson, when you at theack of your career washington post, how many years were you there? >> i think it was 23 years.


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